2008 Woodie Awards
SectionsHoliday celebrations always include food - Halloween not so sweet now
Jerry Garretson
Issue date: 10/30/07 Section: Opinion
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I hate Halloween.
I haven't always. When I was younger, I remember waiting for Halloween like some kids wait for Christmas. And, Christmas is cool and all, but Christmas doesn't have Pixie Sticks. Christmas is, like, deviled eggs and turkey. Sure, you get presents, but you have to go to church. To 10-year-old me, the choice was obvious.
And why not? Getting to dress up as Batman and maintain an hours-long sugar rush? Yes, please. My parents would even let me skip school, so I felt like the whole world had turned upside down. I get to just walk up to a strangers house and demand candy? Of course I can. I'm Batman.
But, as I grew older, things changed. Every year the local news would issue warnings to parents to check trick-or-treat candy. By 12, I was convinced every candied apple contained a razorblade. I'm sure I was the only pre-teen in the world convinced his cotton candy was spiked with fiberglass, but it left an indelible mark on my fragile little psyche.
At 13, I remember trying to cling to my then-favorite holiday. But my little sister, now four, had officially graduated from bobbing for apples at our church and got to tag along with me. Or, rather, I got to watch her. Or, rather, I was forced to chase her until she collapsed from exhaustion, somehow covered in a solid layer of stickiness.
Granted, it was wonderful for her. She was a princess demanding the world give her enough sugar to mimic the effects of an amphetamine, all of creation awash in color and joy. To everyone else, it just looked like a celebrity breakdown.
That was it. The tipping point. It was the last time I ever went trick-or-treating, and I loathe the entire month of October to this day. We're giving little kids drugs - do you realize chocolate is related to cocaine? Cocoa and Coca. Well, that's probably not really true, but I heard that once and it sounded believable. I know I believe it when I see the wreckage caused by a Hershey's binge. Did you know some people give out entire regular sized chocolate bars? I know why, too - because the kids will always come back. Addicts, all of them, until they hit rock bottom like I did. Or worse.
I haven't always. When I was younger, I remember waiting for Halloween like some kids wait for Christmas. And, Christmas is cool and all, but Christmas doesn't have Pixie Sticks. Christmas is, like, deviled eggs and turkey. Sure, you get presents, but you have to go to church. To 10-year-old me, the choice was obvious.
And why not? Getting to dress up as Batman and maintain an hours-long sugar rush? Yes, please. My parents would even let me skip school, so I felt like the whole world had turned upside down. I get to just walk up to a strangers house and demand candy? Of course I can. I'm Batman.
But, as I grew older, things changed. Every year the local news would issue warnings to parents to check trick-or-treat candy. By 12, I was convinced every candied apple contained a razorblade. I'm sure I was the only pre-teen in the world convinced his cotton candy was spiked with fiberglass, but it left an indelible mark on my fragile little psyche.
At 13, I remember trying to cling to my then-favorite holiday. But my little sister, now four, had officially graduated from bobbing for apples at our church and got to tag along with me. Or, rather, I got to watch her. Or, rather, I was forced to chase her until she collapsed from exhaustion, somehow covered in a solid layer of stickiness.
Granted, it was wonderful for her. She was a princess demanding the world give her enough sugar to mimic the effects of an amphetamine, all of creation awash in color and joy. To everyone else, it just looked like a celebrity breakdown.
That was it. The tipping point. It was the last time I ever went trick-or-treating, and I loathe the entire month of October to this day. We're giving little kids drugs - do you realize chocolate is related to cocaine? Cocoa and Coca. Well, that's probably not really true, but I heard that once and it sounded believable. I know I believe it when I see the wreckage caused by a Hershey's binge. Did you know some people give out entire regular sized chocolate bars? I know why, too - because the kids will always come back. Addicts, all of them, until they hit rock bottom like I did. Or worse.
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